First travel day of the new year!
I sat next to two guys on the plane that talked about working out for an hour and a half. “Yeah bro, you gotta lift up slowly and that’s how you get the real burn.” “Seriously? I’ve been doing it fast for sharper reflexes.” “It’s all about the burn brah. No burn no gain.” “That doesn’t even rhyme.” “It doesn’t matter broseph. Now touch my arm. Mmm…yeah…touch it good. Ya feel that?” “Yeah, what is it?” “The results after a good burn. hahhaaaahh alright” *shoves protein bars in mouth*
On my connecting flight I sat next to a lady that couldn’t comprehend why her baby didn’t get a seat. “She doesn’t get her own seat?” “No ma’am. You’d have to pay for her to have her own seat before the flight was full.” “So, where do I put her?” Bitch! She’s your baby! You do what any good parent on a full flight would do. Let her crawl around the aisles, and when the flight lands shout “baby! Has anyone seen a baby?” “She’s next to seat 4B.” “Okay, if you could just pass her on back that would be great.”
I flew Frontier: A Whole Different Animal. I don’t like their motto. I feel like I’m on a Disneyland ride that’s taking themselves way too seriously. The pilot should have to talk like an old timey miner. “Welcome aboard Frontier! Keep your hands and feet inside at all times and we’ll see ya on the other side…hopefully. Skiddidly diddly doo!” “Wait. What the fuck did he just say?”
A Whole Different Animal is so vague. What kind of animal? I don’t feel safe riding an emu. Is that what you are Frontier? A shitty emu? Just walking me to my destination because you have useless wings attached to your overweight bird body.
I’m performing tonight at Viterbo University in Wisconsin. I’ll be taking off one piece of clothing after every joke. The twist? I’ll only be starting with socks.